Sports fans across Australia will soon be forced to suffer the humiliation of drinking their beer through a sippy cup as public venues continue the crackdown on our basic freedoms.
The news follows this week’s announcement that retail giant Bunnings will no longer be serving fried onion on the top of their iconic snag sanga due to concerns over the possibility of some uncoordinated goose injuring themselves on a loose sliver.
Bunnings’ move has led to hundreds of businesses looking into the possibility of going completely overboard with workplace health and safety, and the sports world is not immune, with beer service set for a major overhaul.
‘The amount of spilled beer at any given sporting event is not only wasteful, but also incredibly dangerous,’ said a representative from the Society of Frightened Townspeople, a safety awareness group dedicated to sucking the fun out of everything we love.
‘It’s almost impossible not to spill a bit of your beer when it’s served to you in an open container, and if it continues it’s only a matter of time before somebody slips in a puddle of it,’ he continued.
While no formal announcements have yet been made, its understood that venue owners and event organisers are working with SOFT on a proposal that would require beer to be sold in sippy cups to prevent spillage.
‘Public safety is our highest priority – if all it takes to prevent disaster is for everybody to drink out of a cup designed for toddlers then I think that’s a small price to pay,’ said the SOFT spokesperson.
SOFT hope to have their proposal approved in time for the first test against India starting on December 6.